mightyamy.com

Rejected Book Blurbs

mightyamy — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 17:15:29 +0000

Here are some fake jacket blurbs for some popular books. These are real books and are really from the Times Review. #3 is entirely Chad’s joke and I can’t take any credit for it. I am not sure if these work.

1. The Help by Kathryn Stockett

“I’ve never felt worse about being white, or higher on myself.” -Publisher’s Weekly

2. House Rules by Jodi Picoult

“Picoult understands the force of love to protect and destroy us and the undeniable power of people with Aspergers to solve mysteries.” (****) People

3. Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In by Roger Fisher, William L. Ury, Bruce Patton

“Im negotiating my balls off right now and it’s working!” -The Wall Street Journal

4. The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make a Big Difference by Malcolm Gladwell

“Undeniably compelling…here’s a tip- before quoting liberally from The Tipping Point say “I was reading somewhere…” so people think you’ve read more than this one book” -The San Francisco Chronicle

Movie reviews for movies I haven’t seen

mightyamy — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 16:25:38 +0000

I would, of course, be more than happy to review 2012 but in the mean time I thought, why not review some movies I haven’t seen. I haven’t seen these movies. I might do it, but it’s more likely I’ll watch Fletch or Zoolander.
Okay, on to the reviews: three movies I’ve never seen:

The Hurt Locker-
This movie was so moving. It was really serious and I liked that about it. It also made me think about the war and other current events. I feel better having seen it. It was one of those movies that I had to kind of force myself to see, but I’m so glad that I did. Serious. Moving.

Precious: Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire-
This movie really dealt with some serious issues. Like poverty and also believing in yourself and being loved and also bad people who do bad things, things that are super gross and bad and you’re like “you’re a monster,” but really, are they monsters or are they just humans who need love and kindness sometimes? This was the kind of movie that I really had to force myself to watch, but I’m so glad I did because now I know what it’s like to live in Harlem. Not where I live, which used to be considered Spanish Harlem, but is now definitely not, because I have a Gourmet Garage under my building. That is a fancy grocery store that sells like rare lemons and ramps and stuff and plays this one Sirius station called the Coffee House that makes me so upset, because it’s like “I’m already in here Gourmet Garage, you’ve won, you don’t have to rub it in with some gentle acoustic covers of “Across the Universe” by Jack Johnson and the guy from the Counting Crows.” Wow, I really went off the rails here. You get what I mean though, about Precious: Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire.

The Blind Side
This movie really dealt with some serious issues. Like poverty and also believing in yourself and being loved and how sometimes your mom isn’t really that great and if you’re awesome at a sport you can get a new mom, the kind of mom who starred in Speed 2: Cruise Control and the Net, but curiously not the Net 2.0. And that mom will love you, and sometimes she will be tough with you and your old, rag-tag friends but behind her stern, religious veneer is love. Like if you’re waiting in a line, trying to break through some bureaucratic red tape, your Speed 2 mom will sass everyone and get what she wants. She loves you.

A message about your manliness, to the wang who rides the 6 train

mightyamy — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 16:15:57 +0000

I wasn’t alive in the 1950s, but since I’ve seen Mad Men, I feel I have enough information about the way men used to act, and I think they should get back to that. There’s always some dude on the 6 Train in the morning, and sorry to be racist, but it is a white dude usually with horn rimmed glasses who probably is like a senior editor of political affairs books, who will yell into the train (which is stuffed full of people) “THERE’S PLENTY OF ROOM IN THE MIDDLE!” in the shrill voice of a man who wears extremely supple leather gloves. And you know what, Lady Gloves, this train is crazy full crowded and so the room you are seeing in the middle is actually just the only space left indicating that we all still somehow have retained our separate human bodies, even though we are all so close that we are basically having sex. And then, Lady Gloves will use his body as a sort of snowplow and shovel a bunch of innocent people on to the train. So he’s on the train now and you’re like “Great, you made it on the train, Professor- let us all get back into the hard hitting reporting of AM New York, because I can’t wait to get to work and look online to find out which celebrity’s birthday it is (JEFF DANIELS!) I need that intel in the AM, motherf#$rs!” But Professor Lady Gloves still has more to say. He’s going to narrate the whole ride, and let us know what the space situation is like in the middle of the train- and how we could all move in and make room for this enormous wang of a human being.
I’m just saying, you do not see men acting that way on Mad Men, you see men tipping their hats, holding a door, giving a lady the old “polite eyes.” Act more manly is what I am saying, gentle manly.

Thanks Everyone One Million

mightyamy — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 16:33:28 +0000

Thanks to everyone who came out to my sketch class show last night. It was so great to have a crowd. You are nice friends. I am going to write more skits and then ask you to come see those. So now this is a thing that we’re doing.

Mighty Movie Review: Overboard

mightyamy — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 16:28:09 +0000

Just in case you missed it on AMR, which is basically impossible.

Note: The title for Overboard in spanish speaking countries translates to “A Sea
of Trouble.”

My interest in Overboard was re-kindled during a Kurt-Russel-Movie-Knowing Contest that I was having against a co-worker in my company’s North Carolina office. I lost the contest at the point when the guy said “I should get back to work.” That is also a moment when I felt very embarrassed about who I am in society.

Speaking of society, I believe today’s would not tolerate a RomCom whose premise is really the common-law felony of false imprisonment paired with a hearty helping of Stockholm Syndrome. But I could be wrong. We are a society that tolerated the movie Old Dogs.

I wonder if I am the only person ever to rent Overboard from Netflix. If I am not, I believe the other people are grad students studying the mise-en-scène of people falling off ships in contemporary cinema. The course also includes compulsory viewings of The Poseidon Adventure and Speed 2: Cruise Control.

Overboard is a movie about love, and how sometimes the best kind of love is born out of the creepiest kind of deceptions. Like, say, if you are a debutant and you fall overboard on your yacht and a guy that used to work for you exploits your neurological condition by enslaving you under the false pretense that you are his wife and the mother of his numerous children. What the hell, 1986?

I was alive then, but maybe I missed a moment in time when jupiter eclipsed the sun and
Hollywood invited a villainous feudal lord from the middle ages to write and submit a script for a comedic romp. If Overboard were released today it would be one of those weird mid-winter horror movies with Peter Sarsgaard or Ryan Reynolds in it but, might include original
dialogue from the movie like this (spoken by Goldie Hawn’s character Joanna Stayton):

“I don’t belong here, I feel it, don’t you think I feel it.
I can’t do any of these vile things and I wouldn’t WANT to.
Oh, my life is like death.
My children are the spawn of hell, and you’re the devil. Oh God.”

One day, when our earth has been destroyed and the aliens are combing through the detritus of our civilization they will come across the original movie poster for Overboard and one alien will read the poster aloud and say “My goodness, this looks like a fucked up sea of trouble.”

I give it one shark mauled remains of a surf board, which roughly translates to a C-.

Mightyreview: Overboard

mightyamy — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 15:42:59 +0000

If you’d like to read my latest movie review, it’s posted here: amutualrespect.org
I think it’s one of my better ones. But I have weird taste.

Old man, take a look at my life.

mightyamy — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 19:14:28 +0000

Now you can see my tweets on the left there. At first I thought twitter was so stupid and I think I still might but there they are. My motherfu$king tweets.

A Story for Tuesday

mightyamy — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 16:52:08 +0000

Hi Everyone,

Look, seriously, hello. I’m sorry that I have been mostly posting my idiot pictures. Today is my brother’s birthday and because my brother is the number one mightyamy.com reader and enthusiast (sorry, you other two), I am going to post a jokey story just like in the days of old. Some of this story is made up because I don’t have all of the facts.

This story is about an asshole dog named Canepa. Matt’s cousin found Canepa on the beaches of Puerto Rico during her junior year abroad. Okay, I don’t really know if it was her junior year abroad but let’s imagine that it was, because we can all imagine what kind of cultural wisdoms a college junior might glean from a year on the beaches of Puerto Rico. Anyway, Matt’s cousin finds a dog on the beach and like any normal beach goer who encounters a mongrel dog on the beach in a foreign country, she brought the dog back to the United States. And that is the precise moment at which swine flu was introduced and bed bugs and scabies made their resurgence. Anyway, from what I can understand, Matt’s cousin grew tired of Canepa, or forgot about her or something and Canepa stayed with Matt’s cousin’s mom who is really into holistic medicines. This is not important at all for the story. Canepa lead what appeared to be an outwardly happy existence as an asshole dog with the kind of owner who loves such a dog without any reservation or awareness of the dog’s shortcomings. Canepa was treated to bowls of clarified butter and allowed to nip at children. Truly the ideal life. Then, two years ago, on New Year’s day, Canepa came over to Matt’s family’s house to ring in the new year. Only it appeared that Canepa was really seeking out a dark place to die. I forgot about Canepa for a while (as was often the case with this dog) and then inquired about her about a year later and here’s what happened:
Matt’s cousin’s mom took Canepa on the long journey to the family summer house which is located on an island off of Maine. Getting there takes a long drive, a ferry, another drive and then a hike. As soon as everyone got to the island, Canepa tried to commit suicide by throwing herself off of a dock and into the icy waters below. Someone then jumped in and rescued Canepa. At which point she was probably pretty P.O’ed. Then, around the table while they were all toasting the summer and Canepa’s longevity, there was heard a faint splash in the background. This splash was the sound of an old asshole dog killing herself.

Theme Song Lyrics

mightyamy — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 14:10:41 +0000

made with Wordle

This cloud contains lyrics from the following theme songs:
The Hogan Family, Who’s the Boss, A Different World, Perfect Strangers, Family Matters, Stey by Step, Family Ties, Punky Brewster, Golden Girls, Blossom, Empty Nest, Growing Pains, Just the Ten of Us, Facts of Life, Silver Spoons and Mr. Belvedere.

Look how frequently the word “Life” was used.

This song is correct

mightyamy — Fri, 15 May 2009 22:54:38 +0000

My buddy Ben put this on a mix for me in 1997. It’s a song by the Press, and I don’t know anything else by or about the band. But this song is in my head every Friday. I am putting the lyrics here. I will put it on a mix for you if you want. Maybe even a tape if you want.

Friday Five Pm

OK, steady, ready, go!
Waiting for the whistle to blow
For the past 5 days I’ve earned my keep
Now I’m ready for the end of the week

It’s Friday 5 PM
Friday 5 PM
Get it while you can
It’s Friday 5 PM

Monday through Wednesday not paid to think
Paid on Thursday, Thursday I drink
The next day I get up from where I last fell
Friday is here I’m gonna raise some Hell

It’s Friday 5 PM
Friday 5 PM
Get it while you can
It’s Friday 5 PM

Get it!

Restless nights and wasted days
I’m over worked and underpaid
Someone’s making my life tuff
My foot is down and I’ve had enough

It’s Friday 5 PM
Friday 5 PM
Get it while you can
It’s Friday 5 PM